Postmodern Zoomusicology: A Trial Study

As launched by Mark Samples' previous post, "Mirth and Matter" brings you another exciting exercise in the newest musicological sub-field, postmodern zoomusicology!

Heinrich J. Heideschopenburg, Ph.D.
Institut fur Lacherlichmusikwissenschaft, Zurich

Abstract: Research indicates that male starlings that eat worms tainted with sewage contamination suffer both physiological and behavioral consequences. Intriguingly, consuming contaminants such as estrogen and estrogen-like endocrine disrupters change the nature of the birds' songs, leading to concomitant ramifications for mating behavior. To what extent do these findings shed light on human musicianship, hormones, and mating patterns?

In a recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Cardiff in Wales and reported in the NYT, starlings were fed worms that are common in and around human sewage. These worms contain high levels of estrogen and similar compounds that are excreted naturally by humans and are a common fixture to industrial chemicals, food preservatives, and plastics. These contaminated worms are a fixture in the diets of today's British starling population, although studies conclusively demonstrate that the increased level of estrogen is not simply a result of them being British, as one might expect (though contradicted in III, George: 1776). American birds eat worms that are contaminated by similar substances, and they have similar estrogen levels.

The results are astounding. Birds that eat dirty worms (I owe this term to Aguilera: 2002) exhibit a loss of physical strength and virility that hinders their ability to father chicks with the right ladybird. However, the sewage contamination is a double-edged sword. While their physical strength deteriorates, their songs become more complex as a result of eating the bad worms. This is perhaps counterintuitive: how could environmental pollutants actually increase starlings' musical abilities? Nevertheless, this is what researchers observed. And the ladies responded well to their winged troubadours - males with more complex songs attracted more lovebirds for mating. These courtships, however, are often unfruitful; estrogen-high male birds are less capable of producing progeny than their stronger, better-fed peers.

The press reacted. British journalists pounced on this story as a potential long-needed remedy to encourage Englishmen to actually mate with Englishwomen on the Isle of Brittany instead of having to migrate overseas for sexual dalliance on the strength of their accents (Dirty Furrner: 2008). While the study seemed to indicate that complex-song-singing birds were staying on the island at a higher rate as a result of their romantic gifts while the lesser singers took flight to America, where they heard that the birds were easy, no conclusive link between these starling studies and humans has yet been demonstrated. Until now.

The ramifications of this study are immense, not only for the British starling population (which is shrinking dramatically), but for human music making (Christopher Small's "musicking") and courtship. Just as studies on rats predict human reactions to a remarkable degree, so too does this research shed light on human affairs.

First, let's return to the data. Estrogen leads to greater musical complexity, so the converse must be true - testosterone must lead to musical simplicity. And while the females are attracted to the more ornate songs, it is a better biological bet for them to stick with the musical Neanderthals. In human terms, Souljah Boy is a safer sociobiological decision than Karlheinz Stockhausen (if he were alive, that is)(Stockhausen: 5 Dec, 2007).

Let's examine what this research indicates for human beings. As every jazz and classical musician - admittedly marginal members of the species Homo sapien - knows well, musical complexity can only get you so far in the Darwinian race to propagate your genes. What may seem a dazzling and alluring musical performance onstage, an event that is sure to attract the complexity-hungry females, is actually a skill set that leads to a disappointing and demoralizing combination of poor real wages; loss of social vitality due to time spent in the practice room; poor social prestige; and the constant fear that if you get a flu, you'll have to sell the Bosendorfer to pay your medical expenses (for more, see The New York Philharmonic: 1842-present). In humans, just like in starlings, the ability to produce musical complexity has no correlation whatsoever with the ability to effectively produce and raise functional and well-adapted children. Frank Zappa knows this well (Moon-Unit Zappa, on a wild date with the author: last night).

It is no surprise, then, that the lesser, testosterone-fueled musicians add more to the human population than their brainier brethren. If Stockhausen is the model for our complex but poor-breeding bird (sexy, I know, but STAY AWAY, ladies!), Souljah Boy (of "Crank That" fame) is the simple-minded, testosterone driven breeder that any lady could depend on to continue her family tree. I shudder to think of all the countless masses that hardcore rappers have fathered over the years (that would no doubt make for another titillating study); indeed, the frequent illegitimacy of these couplings make for a tricky statistical group to analyze. Evidence for the sociobiological suitability of hardcore commercial rappers is found in abundance in their lyrics - these are clearly people with sex (not retrograde inversions) on the brain. When our research team deciphered the coded meaning of the sophisticated prosody "Super-soak that HO!", from "Crank That," we were aghast (see The Urban Dictionary). Clearly, it is the testosterone/simple musicians with the greater urge to multiply; they are, therefore, greater adapted to their environment and serve a better chance of continuing their kind in perpetuum. They are the winners in Darwin's little game (Darwin: 1859).

Perhaps the evolutionary nature of musical complexity/simplicity is reverse from what is often assumed: complexity has led to simplicity. Popular music in the last century is a telling indication of this phenomenon. Opera arias paved the way for ragtime and march; ragtime/march led to jazz; jazz led to bebop; bebop led to rock; rock led to funk; funk led to disco; disco led to the 1980s; the 80s led to grunge rock; grunge gave way to N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys; boy bands led to silly commercial hip-hop; rap led to the apex of musical simplicity, Souljah Boy. Not only is the clear downward arch intuitively felt, it is also a statistical, scientific fact (Heideschopenburg: present publication).

This phenomenon also corresponds with a seismic shift in the global musical map. For many years, complex German music ruled supreme in the concert halls of Europe and other civilized places (Schoenberg was a well-known consumer of sewage). In the twentieth century, this situation changed drastically as American music began to experience greater and greater popularity. As the Operhauses of Germany gave way to the warehouse (or should I say "Waarhaus") raves of Brooklyn, the "evolution" was complete (see Beethoven: 1825 and Oakenfold: 1997 for evidence). The ultimately complex had been eclipsed by the ultimately simple. And the British, now as always, possess the greater amount of estrogen.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of biologically-advantageous evolution leading to musical deevolution is a significant problem for starling and human alike. We at the esteemed Institut fur Lacherlichmusikwissenschaft will continue to conduct research on this important issue facing musicians, birds, and people who enjoy sex. Thank you very much.