The Surgeons are Restless

Through dogged journalistic endeavor Mirth and Matter has managed to acquire the actual stenographer's transcription of an address given by Colonel B.B. Quincy to a radical ague-fascist block of the American Surgeon's Society for Cholesterol-induced Laziness, Organ-failure and Gross Guts (ASSCLOGG).

Comrades in Cholesterol, these are not times of plenty for our kin. Revenues are down, and this despite our best efforts.

And yet, I sit lazily before you today with a message of hope. Do not be down-hearted, my Brothers in Infarction. ASSCLOGG has much of which to be proud. We have managed to swell already massive profit margins in angioplasties. We have overseen a successful bombing campaign against metamucil manufacturing plants. And through the assassination of Kevin Trudeau, we have put an end to that horrific trend in D.I.Y bypass surgeries that briefly threatened our monopoly.

Still, it is with sad hearts, my Allies in Beef and Pork and Chicken-skins, that we must concede the failure of our propaganda campaign. Our Ministry of Disinformation has not achieved its primary purpose. People are exercising. People are healthier. McDonald's, once a stalwart champion of our cause, has been pressured into publishing nutritional information and offering salads. Subway Jared has been elevated to the status of national hero. Nowadays you can barely read the cigarette brand for the warnings. And while once we had hope that the trend in weight-loss would provide us new bulimic and anorexic markets to tap - esophageal lesions to suture, bradycardia to medicate, immune system failures off which to profit - we must admit this to ourselves: our bread and butter is eating too healthily.

We have taken immediate action. Our Ministry of Disinformation, including all those h-h-horrid little Oscar Meyer wiener children, have been experimented upon and, consequently, terminated. And we have surveyed our options with a view to identifying and implementing new approaches. And it is with the hope of a new age, with a view to bloating our coffers and organs everywhere, my Tovariches in Polyunsatured Fat, that I humbly propose the following strategy:

We must exterminate the Vegan scourge.

Vegans, Gentlemen of the Order of Chronic Gassiness, are a fringe group of radical herbofascist nuts, and a bunch of nancies to boot. They do us harm with their leftist righteousness and their anthropomorphism. If they existed in communal isolation then we would have no beef with them. But they insist on speaking up about their dirty, dirty lentil-habits, about leaving cows to determine their own hormone levels, about the cuteness of piglets, and the property rights of bees to their own honey and wax. They scour ingredient labels with dangerous fervor. And their dreadlocks stink. I hate them. I hate them. I HATE them!

Please excuse my...I...I'm sorry. I just need to gather myself for a moment. Comrade George, would you pass me a lard smoothie. Thank you. Oh. Delicious. It's just upsets me so much to have to think about [inaudible].

Allow me to continue, ASSCLOGGs, please. It has been a point frequently raised at these meetings that Vegetarians, rather than Vegans, are the real enemy. Of late, Vegetarianism has gained heretofore unheard of traction in the mainstream. However, our research has ascertained that Vegans are a primary source of this growth. Vegan extremism is dangerous to us, not because anybody takes it seriously, but because nobody does. Vegans are so far to the left of mainstream, that they lend credence to everything on their right. And that includes the Vegetarians. It is because of Vegans, that Vegetarians can stand in public squares, in public places, that they can eat their whole-wheat islamofascist falafels with pride, and that they can say without a hint of irony, "No, it's not weird. I mean, have you ever met a vegan?"

And so, Brethren in Cardiomyopathy, the simple truth of the matter is this: if we exterminate Vegans, if we create and harness immense public antipathy towards them, if we smoke 'em out of their holes and shoot 'em, then the real enemy, Vegetarians, will perforce replace them on the dietary fringes. Vegetarians will once again become the freaks they should have been all along. The consumption of meat, of fat, of animal products will become not merely a matter of preference, but the staking of an identity claim. And as the masses consume marbled beef in an effort to distance themselves from Vegetarianism, as they fatten up, and as they clutch at their chests in agony, there we will be with our jaunty clown and cloud covered scrubs, our rubber gloves, our little green masks, our defibrillators, and our scalpels. We will rise!

Thusly, I propose a twofold plan of attack against the Vegans. Propaganda and War.

First, we'll need another Ministry of Disinformation. If anybody wants to volunteer, please give Margaret your name on the way out. And fear not for your physical integrity, Ye Exponents of Obesity. There should be no easier task in the history of propaganda than creating public antipathy towards Vegans. I say this because I am convinced that there is no essentially more irritating group of human beings alive. They plant the seeds of their own destruction every time they open their mouths. It is merely for us to emphasize the ridiculousness of their jabbering.

We need to plan our disinformation strategy carefully. I have identified three avenues of attack. Let us call them "fronts". These are to be the "Creationist Front", the "Epicurean Front" and the "Moral Front". And while I fully expect the Ministry to develop each of these fronts in due time, I would like to take this opportunity to elaborate a little:

First, the "Creationist Front": The God-fearing public needs to know that Veganism is an affront to nature. Vegans are making a mockery of the human body. Not least they insult digestive systems perfectly suited to the consumption of flesh. Had God not intended us to eat meat, would he have allowed us to evolve canines like wolverines and badgers? I think not. Vegans are thus insulting God. Do they imagine He gave us only incisors and molars, like horses. Are we horses? No. Did He give us four stomachs and do we ruminate like cows? Are we cows? No. We do not emit cow pats. What we emit is more dog-like. Hence, we are humans and therefore Vegans are evil. They cannot but wilt in the face of such flawless logic.

Second, the "Epicurean Front": I have not yet tried Vegan food, for fear of dying, but it can't be any good. What will become of gastronomic delight if their evil conspiracy becomes mainstream? Will we all have to consume their gelatin-less jellybeans? And if so, what do we do with the hooves of animals we slaughter? Waste them? Are we to eat only egg-less flans, or rennin-less cheese? What if we want a spot of honey in our tea? "No", they will say, "apiarists cruelly subject bees to secondary smoke in the extraction of honey". Veganism is an affront to taste. God gave us many thousands of taste buds. Would Vegans have us waste this miracle of God's own creation on rice-cakes and tofu? Yes. Hence, Vegans are evil and deserve to die.

Third, the "Moral Front": Where does it end, I ask you, this "love" of animals? This anthropomorphic hullabaloo is a great threat to the institution of the family. It's a slippery slope from merely not eating animals to marrying them. Already, Vegans have gone one step further than Vegetarians. Vegetarians are opposed to the slaughter of animals. Vegans don't want to inconvenience them at all. How is this different to most marriages. Hardly. One day, you're protesting the treatment of chickens in battery farms, the next you're telling your friends they can't come over because, Roberta, your wife and a Rhode Island Red, is hormonal and laying a particularly painful egg. Is it right to have sex with chickens? Not according to the Bible. Therefore Vegans are evil and we should declare war against them.

On these three fronts, shall we turn the tide of public opinion against Vegans.

Which brings me, Members of This Esteemed Gathering of ASSCLOGG, to the final phase of the plan I am proposing: WAR!

I must concede that I have not thought in great detail about how best militarily to deal with the Vegan blight. There are two reasons for what you might otherwise assume to be a lack of preparation. First, such actions, while inevitable, can only be undertaken with public support. As we are still in the preliminary stages, we have some time yet. Second, and more crucially, is this: I defy anybody in this room - sit as you may in your electric-powered wheelchairs, breathing into respirators, colostomy bags chaffing your thighs - I defy any one of you to lose a fight to a Vegan.

Have you ever seen one? They're skinny and they have rickets. They're calcium-deficient. Vitamin B12- and D-deficient. They're prone to cretinism and they're anemic. Added to which, they can't morally justify hurting a fly, never mind people in wheelchairs. What I am saying Brethren, is this: if we attack their protein sources first - some kind of scorched Soy-Bean Field Policy - this is a war we cannot lose.

In conclusion, my Uncomfortably Sweaty Friends, I beseech you to take this proposal seriously. ASSCLOGG has a proud history. We have held the hearts of the public in our hands for generations. We cannot let slip our hold. Up with inertia. Up with torpor. Let them have cake and MSG. Let them supp on by-products. Onward. Brothers. Onward.

Thank you very much.