A Modest Proposal RE: Climate Change

RE: 2008 Climate Change Proposal

To: Conscientious, environmentally aware people everywhere
Sender: Henry Hofstadt, President, Earth First Coalition

Greetings members, volunteers, supporters, and concerned bystanders,

We at the Earth First Coalition hope that the receipt of this message finds you prosperous, healthy, and forever vigilantly respectful of our Planet. This year, we opted to send our annual newsletter via email to eliminate the 213.4 acres of timber necessary to produce the required paper. Though you will be using approximately .1 kilowatt hours of electricity to view this message, we calculate that this will have a far lesser impact on the Planet than wasteful and destructive paper publications.

I wish to begin by offering my deepest condolences to the victims of the floods currently ravishing the midwest. It is sad indeed what the rising waters are doing to communities across the region, but it is even sadder what we are doing to the Planet, and we musn't forget that, even as the waves lap at our doors. Extreme weather patterns such as the one we are currently witnessing, as well as the damaging heat wave across the northeast, are tell-tale signs of human meddling into the equilibrium of Mother Nature. Although we at Earth First sympathize with the affected families, nobody is blameless in the wanton destruction of the Earth. Do not families in Iowa drive their SUVs to Denny's, wherein large quantities of processed meat are consumed? Is it not true that activities such as this are the direct cause of the floods that are currently striking their region? They are deserving of sympathy, to be sure, but they are not innocent. No, nobody is innocent.

My friends, we live in dire times. Polar ice is melting at alarming rates; cataclysmic hurricanes are becoming the yearly norm; flooding and severe erosion are pandemic; record high temperatures are being recorded only to be beaten the next year. All around us, we see the evidence of 250 years of industrial-age mistreatment of Planet Earth; we see the byproducts of a paradigm that views the natural world as just one more resource to be exploited for our material gain. Through our own ignorance and profound hubris, we have become an updated version of Wile E. Coyote, running on thin air but still not pausing to look down. When we do eventually stare down at the vast chasm below us, we will frantically grasp for something to save us. In some ways, we as a species are already starting to do this: Al Gore's movie, the birth of green industries, ethanol, the runaway success of the Prius ... all of this is evidence of our growing recognition that we have a serious problem here on Planet Earth. But, like an Acme anvil, these things will not save us. Unless something radical is done - and soon - our species is headed for the bottom of the canyon, and quick.

At the root of our current environmental crisis is one primary factor: we consume too much (in the form of energy, raw materials, and foodstuffs), more than the Planet can support. The Earth can metabolize the greenhouse gases produced by one million cars; it cannot handle the pressure put on it by one billion. Similarly, in every way our Planet is being squeezed. Current jumps in the price of oil and food are a testament to the fact that demand is outstripping what our fragile world can provide for us. There are simply too many people demanding extravagant foods, transportation, warmth during the winter and AC in the summer, big houses, and all the other trappings of the hedonistic American dream. But the dream is over.

Since 1950, the human population has grown more than in the previous 4 million years (see here for more information). 1/3 to 1/2 of the Earth's land surface area has been transformed for the sake of human food production and habitation. During the lives of our young readers (if we as a species survive that long), demographers predict that the global population will balloon from today's 6.7 billion to an amazing 9.5 billion people. And, no doubt, every one of these people will want a television set, three meals a day, a car, and a house. Population Connection estimates that if everyone currently living had the same lifestyle as North Americans, it would require four more earths just to satisfy their demands for energy and resources. And this is based on today's 6.7 billion, not the much higher figure of tomorrow. Something clearly has to give. Our species faces profound, live-altering challenges: if we succeed in addressing them, we will endure. If not, we will join the dinosaurs on the list of nature's failed experiments.

If I come across as Malthusian and apocalyptic, you have misinterpreted my earnest environmental concern for nihilistic pessimism. This is not the case. As daunting as these challenges are, we are not passive victims of fate. We at Earth First believe that we can help control the outcome of our environmental crisis, and not just through using energy-saving light bulbs, as long-time EF member Al Gore suggests. No, something more extreme is needed if we have any hope in resisting the juggernaut of climate change.

The average American consumes 30 times as many resources as the average Indian. We are gluttons for oil, environment-destroying foods, and commodious McMansions. Yes, that is right: you too, dear Earth First supporter, are responsible. Since the primary demographic of our organization is decidedly well educated and thus high earning, you are precisely what these statistics reflect. Even though you drive a Prius, eat vegan, wear hemp clothes, and turn off the water while you're brushing your teeth, you are still much more responsible for Mother Earth's fury than Rajip Singh in Jaipur. This is why, dear member, if you are truly concerned about the state of our Planet, there is only one thing you can do to save it: dear friend, you must take your own life.

A Planet without you on it is a happier Planet, and this fact alone should make the ultimate decision that much easier. Making this sacrifice is hands down the best thing you can do for the future of Earth, and for the future of your children - for this reason, we call our program of self-termination "Earthanasia." Without you and your incessant demands for food, transport, and shelter, the world will be spared some additional 59 tons of CO2 annually. If our biggest problem today is overpopulation and the concomitant squeeze on resources, killing yourself - a well-off American - is the only truly responsible thing you can do to personally absolve yourself from responsibility in the coming global train wreck. While it is true that this may not affect the actions of the other Guilty Many, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are courageously doing something to change the world. You will be a hero, dear member.

Of course, not all forms of Earthanasia have the same environmental impact. We encourage you not to do anything too explosive and messy (no gun to the head, for example), as the cleaning supplies necessary to remove your heroic remains will only add more toxic chemicals into the drinking supplies of your community. The safest, surest, and - most importantly - greenest way to expire is to ingest a cocktail of all-natural chemicals that will sedate you then terminate the pounding of your energy-hungry heart. As a special offer to our most dedicated members, Earth First will send you a potent Earthanasia pill for a donation of just $20. Our pills are 100% natural and effective, and they will allow you time to contemplate your heroic deed on your way to the Great Unknown (isn't it exciting - it's like taking a vacation to a country you know nothing about!). You will receive a full refund in the event that the pill does not do its job.

Send your check or money order to:
Earth First Coalition
W 11th St., Suite 24
Eugene, OR 97402

To demonstrate the total seriousness of our Earthanasia position as well as the absolute effectiveness of our pill, I, Henry Hofstadt, will be the first hero to embrace the Final Solution. There. It's done. Goes down just like aspirin.

Another thing to contemplate, valued member: consider the method of your disposal with a friend or spouse before your leave-taking. Traditional burials are exceedingly unfriendly to the Planet: between the land space used, the wood for the casket, and the energy required to power the backhoe to dig the hole, you will be contributing to the demise of the Earth even in death. Surely, this is not what you desire. We at Earth First, therefore, recommend a clean, efficient cremation. Be sure to instruct the care-taker of your estate to use sustainably harvested timber for your pyre, preferably of Siberian origin. Also, if possible, try to sequester the emissions of the fire for clean disposal. Lastly, as an ultimate symbol of kindness and compassion for Mother Earth, have your care-taker scatter your ashes in your personal organic garden. This way, you will know that your absence is positively affecting the food supply for future generations.

I am beginning to feel drowsy (I won't be asking for my refund!), so I will sign off this newsletter with a message of hope. You and I, dear member, can truly do something to counter the nefarious rampage of global climate change. Much more than any of the current bandages you are putting on the problem, Earthanasia is the only sure-fire way to help. Sure, you will be eliminating just one of the Earth's 6.7 billion walking problems, but that brings us one step closer to a clean, habitable, beautiful Planet. The time has come for this Final Solution, dear members. Our fine chairperson Mary Watt will be taking over as president of the organization in my absence. It has been a pleasure and an honor serving you, and serving the Planet. Thannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn